Once upon a time, in a kitchen far simpler than today’s, a fridge was just a fridge. It kept your milk from going sour and your veggies crisp. Fast forward to the present, and we’ve got these smart fridges that want to do everything short of cooking your meals. And let me tell you, they’re the teapots of the tech world—completely out of place in the storm of technological progress.

Let’s start with Myth 1: “Smart fridges are revolutionising the kitchen.” Dispelled: A fridge isn’t a smartphone. It doesn’t need to be ‘smart’; it just needs to be cold. The day my fridge started making shopping lists was the day I realised I have officially lost control over my life. What’s next? A toaster that lectures you on your carb intake?

Myth 2: “They save you time and hassle.” Dispelled: Much like that fabled intelligent teapot, a smart fridge offers solutions to problems you never had. Gone are the days of blindly guessing if you have eggs left. Now, your fridge will notify you—while you’re at the shops—that you need eggs. But it will also suggest quinoa and lecture you about omega-3. There’s nothing like being guilt-tripped by your own appliance as you pass the chocolate aisle.

The truth is, a smart fridge is just a big, overpriced gadget designed to make you feel guilty about the number of times you open and close it as you contemplate life’s great mysteries—like what constitutes an acceptable dinner.

And here’s where these fridges completely go rogue: they connect to the internet. Now, I’m no conspiracy theorist, but does my fridge really need to be part of the world wide web? I can just see it now, updating its status to “Feeling cool 😎” while simultaneously ordering kale on my behalf.

No, thank you. I’ll keep my plain old fridge, a bastion of simplicity in a world gone mad with connectivity. Sure, it might not nag me about my cholesterol, but it does a smashing job at keeping my beer cold, and really, what more could you ask for?