I’ve got a bone to pick with wearables. You know, those little gizmos that promise to make us the bionic superhumans we always knew we could be—or at least track every step we take while we dream about it. I’m convinced they’re the tech world’s version of the Emperor’s New Clothes. Now, before you start polishing your Apple Watches to a bright glow, let me break it down for you.

First off, who decided it’s necessary to have technology literally strapped to our bodies 24/7? Somewhere along the line, someone convinced us all that our wrists were the ideal place for a tiny computer to live. I don’t know about you, but my wrist was quite content supporting old-fashioned items like watches and, you know, skin. Now it’s got to juggle heart rates, step counts, and God knows what else. It’s a lot of pressure for what’s effectively a glorified bracelet, wouldn’t you say?

Myth 1) It’s indispensable for health and fitness.

Dispelled) Here’s a shocking revelation: people exercised before wearables came along. They even managed to stay healthy! I know, it’s hard to believe. But modern society would have you think that unless your morning jog is documented in 10-second intervals, it didn’t happen. Meanwhile, all this data is turning mere human exercise into some sort of covert surveillance mission. Do you really need GPS coordinates to tell you where you ran, mate? Just remember to take a left at the big gum tree next time.

Myth 2) It’s the ultimate convenience gadget.

Dispelled) If convenience means glancing at your wrist instead of reaching two feet into your pocket, then sure, it’s revolutionary. But let’s face it—what’s the real convenience here? It’s like installing a mini-fridge next to the couch so you don’t have to walk to the kitchen. And yes, while you can pay for your coffee with a flick of the wrist, have you ever tried convincing your wearable to engage in a meaningful conversation? Mine just looks back at me with a blank face. Oh wait, that’s its default setting.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Some folks genuinely benefit from these devices—like tech enthusiasts, data analysts, and people who enjoy long, detailed chats about battery life at parties. To them, I say Godspeed. But for the rest of us, it’s time to ask if what we’re really strapping on every morning is just a digital badge of honour borne out of a fear of missing out.

So how about instead of letting our wrists do all the talking, we use our heads a bit more? Let’s demand more than flashy lights and buzzes from our wearables. Or better yet, let’s detach from the tech and give our wrists—and our brains—a well-needed break.