Ah, smart home assistants. Those little puck-sized spies we invite into our homes and then act surprised when they eavesdrop. You know the ones: they sit there quietly until you shout their name loud enough to wake the neighbours. But are they truly the modern conveniences we’re told they are, or are we just paying for the privilege of being heard?

Myth 1) Smart home assistants make life easier. Well, that’s assuming you enjoy repeating yourself because they still can’t understand an Aussie accent unless you put on that borderline American twang. You know the one. Even then, good luck trying to get them to recognise your partner’s voice without setting off a domestic dispute. “No, Alexa, I did not say order 50 rolls of loo paper!”

Dispelled) The convenience factor drops significantly when you’ve got to perform a voice contortionist act just to get the darn thing to turn off the lights. Plus, let’s not forget those accidental activations. You mention “Alex” at a barbecue, and suddenly your smart plug decides it’s party time and turns on every device in sight. Cheers, mate.

Myth 2) Smart assistants are private. Now that one’s a classic. The idea that a device designed to listen to you yammer on day and night is somehow the guardian angel of your secrets is charmingly naive. It’s like asking the local gossip to keep your deepest secrets.

Dispelled) Time and again, we’ve heard tales of assistants sending recordings to strangers or storing more data than a nosy neighbour’s diary. They’re less ‘smart’ and more ‘tattletale’, broadcasting your conversations with the subtlety of a pub loudmouth. Sure, companies claim they’re working on privacy. But trust? That’s a long-lost friend.

In the end, these devices are much like that dubious kitchen appliance you bought off late-night TV. They promise the world—saving time, bringing efficiency—and end up gathering dust faster than you can say “Hey, Google.” Sure, they can play your favourite song on cue and remind you of meetings (as if you needed another reminder), but is the trade-off worth it? Or are we just inviting yet another uninvited guest into our homes, all in the name of convenience?

And if you’re still reading out loud, expecting your assistant to take a note of this debate, good luck. It’ll probably just tell you the weather.